Change
Having reluctantly left a relationship recently, I had an interesting conversation with a friend who works in family therapy. She told me that what therapists really do is act as catalysts for change. She says that the reason why people have problems is that they get into cyclical patterns of behavior and that these patterns are impossible to break unless something creates change. These cycles are created by both parties. Both are at fault, and only together can they overcome them. Although we weren't talking about my recent relationship, I realized that she was correct as far as my recent relationship was concerned, and probably every other relationship I've ever had. I tend to be a person of habit and I tend to enter into these cycles easier than better men.Thus, breaking up stopped the cycle of behavior that I had created with my previous girlfriend--this cycle was driving her crazy and was making the relationship hard for me as well. This is how the cycle worked. We had a great time together most of the time. We would hang out, cuddle, and study together. Sometimes we would communicate well, but usually I would push to communicate until I could feel her closing up. Most of this time was great--at least until the end of the relationship. Then test time would come and she would close up and withdraw from me. Because we didn't communicate well, I would get jealous and upset without any reason for being upset. She would promptly respond with extreme affection, I would apologize, and we would start spending a lot of time together again. This continued to occur until she started to resent the fact that I didn't trust her, and that I wanted to take up all of her time. It was hurtful to her that she was hurting me and yet she didn't think she could change. I selfishly wanted her to change to what I wanted her to be in order to make our relationship work, but she didn't feel like she could ever be what I wanted. So we broke up.
Relationship dynamics change drastically when we break up--the cycle is broken completely. Even if we wanted to get back together, for it to be healthy, our patterns of behavior would have to change. As much as I miss her and love her, I'm not sure we could do it. Changing the dynamics of a relationship requires that both parties realize that changes are needed and are ready and willing to make those changes a reality in their lives.
posted by Joel @ 6:42 PM
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