The Nothing
One of the most interesting movies from my childhood was
The Neverending Story. In this story the characters are all running away from a dreaded forced named the nothing. The nothing took the value out of this fantasy world and the people that lived in it. I was thinking about it today because without JM I have been feeling kind of empty. For the last few months I have been living to try and make her happy, and now I am left with the sad prospect of selfishness once again. This leaves me kind of empty for the moment. I know that I will find someone else and that my life will continue to change, but right now I feel a great hollowness in my heart without her.
The Phoenix
I have always liked the legend of the phoenix, the firebird that died by fire and was reborn out of the ashes. In my life I feel like a phoenix, every time my life falls apart, I find some way to emerge from the ashes. I'm just waiting for something to help my rebirth.
Dialogue: Accountability and Hope
Invictus
by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
The Soul's Captain
by Orson F. Whitney
Art thou in truth?
Then what of him who bought thee with his blood?
Who plunged into devouring seas
And snatched thee from the flood
Who bore for all our fallen race
What none but him could bear--
The God who died that man might live
And endless glory share.
Of what avail thy vaunted strength
Apart from his vast might?
Pray that his light may pierce the gloom
That thou mayest see aright.
Men are as bubbles on the wave,
As leaves upon the tree,
Thou, captain of thy soul! Forsooth,
Who gave that place to thee?
Free will is thine--free agency,
To wield for right or wrong;
But thou must answer unto him
To whom all souls belong.
Bend to the dust that “head unbowed”,
Small part of life’s great whole,
And see in him and him alone,
The captain of thy soul.
Consequences
Because I have been facing pain this week, I have been reminded lately about the reality of consequences for our actions, decisions, and even words. Every course of action we take and every decision we make brings consequences both forseen and unforseen. I am confident, however, that if I make what I feel is the correct decision, the consequences will always be in my favor--even if it appears otherwise in the moment. Although sometimes natural consequences hurt, they teach me how to understand myself and the world around me better, and after all, I made the decision.
The empowering part of this reality is that I am the governor of my actions. I choose whether to act or simply to be acted upon. I vow to go forward today, and not backward in order to find the best conseqences for me and for those that I love.
I wish
I wish I could rid the world of pain and sorrow.
I wish I could make everyone know they were a child of God.
I wish I was a braver person.
I wish I was less selfish.
I wish people would stop arguing over such inconsequential things.
I wish everyone could find one true love.
I wish no one ever went to bed hungry.
I wish everyone would treat one another with love and decency.
I wish everyone had good friends and better family.
All I can do is try to be the best person I can be
Distractions
Sometimes you just need some distractions to get on with life. Today I dedicated my entire day to distractions. I cooked a nice meal for myself and watched movies. I feel ready to start my life anew.
Friendship
The hardest thing to cut when you break off a relationship are the ties of friendship. These ties linger after romantic feelings have left.
Suffering
The most difficult way to suffer is silently. Hell will be filled with very lonely people.
Still the Hardest Thing
I think that I am resigned to the idea of breaking up. At some level parting ways even makes sense, but the hardest thing is not knowing exactly why it happened. Knowing the reasons why someone rejects you is hurtful, but not knowing the reasons is even worse because it leaves the entire reasoning to the imagination. Right now I feel as though I took a test, failed, and my teacher didn't tell me the reason why I failed. That my girlfriend couldn't trust me enough to tell me the truth about why our relationship didn't work is still the hardest thing.
Visiting Old Friends
After the despondency of breaking up, I needed to talk to someone that I knew would care so I went to visit some old friends, friends whom I hadn't visited since I began my presently ended relationship. I came to their house at about 4:00 PM, a time when they are usually never home, but they were there and were happy just to talk with me. I needed that. Throughout the night I have come into contact with so many people that I care about and who care about me. Sometimes it is in the small happenstances of life that I feel the most blessed. Good friends are worth more than all the treasure in the world.
Breaking Up
Today I broke up with my girlfriend of several months. I find myself sad, but yet relieved in some ways. Sometimes when you're inside a relationship it is hard to think rationally because you live for the other person. Great girls are like the mountains in the summer or the smell of fresh rain--in short, happiness.
I have no regrets, I put everything on the line for this girl, and it wasn't what she needed in a relationship. I am glad we dated; I learned so much from her. She really is one of the greatest girls I've ever had the privilege to know. I guess I'll just move on and hope that someday I'll find the girl of my dreams. I know she's out there.
Self-Deception
I am firmly convinced that we, as human beings, limit ourselves too much. I know that I am constantly trapped inside my own insecurities, weaknesses, and self-doubt. These limits come when I do things I feel are wrong. I believe that the fault lies not in the stars, but in ourselves. As I would say in Spanish: La culpa es mia. I am the one that makes bad decisions and I am the one that reacts adversely to my experiences. One psychologist frames our attempts to liberate ourselves from guilt without addressing the real source, as self-deception. Although this idea is somewhat depressing, it also liberates.
Because I am the source of my unhappiness, I can also be the source of happiness in my life as well. As I address the sources of the fear, guilt, insecurity, and self-doubt in my life, I come off conqueror over any of life's difficulties. The key is to stop deceiving myself, and instead to see myself and others as we really are and as we really want to become. I can and will be happy despite life's constant floggings. I am the Captain of my own soul, at least as long as I choose to do the right thing.
Decisions
Decisions cause even the best people to pull their hair out.
Courtesy
Last night I was traveling home to Rexburg at about Midnight when I suddenly saw some flashing lights and heard a siren. I quickly pulled over and a very nice policeman had me roll down my window. I realized that I was probably going a few miles too fast because I was tired and wanted to get home, but I was honest and very polite. He seemed to feel sorry for me so he declined to write me a ticket. I have learned that common courtesy can go a long way in stressful situations. I guess I just got lucky this time, and I have learned my lesson--a fews miles an hour over the speed limit really do matter.
I'm Okay
If anyone has been worried about me lately, I'm okay. I had a really difficult night the other day, but I learned a lot about myself. I am going home for a day tomorrow, and I really am thankful that I have a family from which I can always receive love and support. What I'm really saying is that I have so many blessings that I don't really know what to do with them all. Although I fall into the throngs of despair at times, I always find my way back up the mountain to see the glorious vista that is life.
Learning
I guess everyone can tell that I have been a little upset with myself the last few days. I would just like everyone to know that my personal crisis is over and that I am happy and content once again. Thankyou for your concern, and I hope that everyone else finds happiness and peace in what ever undertaking they confront this day.
Obstacles
The only things that impede us from feeling that we deserve more from life are our own impressions of ourselves.
Ingratitude
It seems ironic that on a day that I had planned to dedicate to gratitude, I might have lost the thing for which I am most grateful. And for a mess of pottage.
Hosea 13:9
O Israel, thou hast destroyed thyself; but in me [is] thine help.
Consequences
Tonight I've come to learn that actions have consequences and that those consequences hurt sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could change the past, but I can't. At the time I thought I was right. I was wrong. But it happened; it's my fault; and I have to accept the consequences. I was wrong. It sucks. I guess I'll just pick up the pieces of my broken life and move on. I wish I could do more because I feel like I caused a lot of pain to someone I love. I guess I'll just try change and try to do better the next time. I think I will soon get to know what it means to feel like you're being tormented by the pains of hell, and I deserve it.
Trust
I was wrong a month back when I blogged about trust. I said that lost trust hard to regain. I only said that because I am a stubborn fool--a self-centered, prideful, jealous person. I don't know how to change, but I want to. At this moment I want to more than anything in the world. I can with the Lord's help, and I will.
My Cousin
I was just feeling pretty down, and then I got the opportunity to talk with my cousin. He doesn't know it, but he brightened up my day. He is a nice guy, and a good friend. :)
Jealousy
"Yet he was jealous, though he did not show it, For jealousy dislikes the world to know it."
(Lord Byron,
Don Juan, canto I, st. 65)
"In jealousy there is more self-love than love."
(Francois-Duc-de-la-Rochefoucauld,
Maxims, no. 334)
"O jealousy, Thou ugliest fiend of hell! thy deadly venom Preys on my vitals, turns the healthful hue Of my flesh check to haggard sallowness, And drinks my spirit up!
(Hannah More,
David and Goliath, pt. V)
Big Worry
I am probably heading to Illinois next fall to start a PhD program in History at the University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign. I am really excited about going, but today I realized that somehow I am going to have to move my stuff there. This has made me start to worry about downsizing my number of possessions. It's not like I have so much stuff I don't know what to do with it all, I just have more than I can fit into one car. I like all of my stuff--maybe I'll just rent a U-Haul.
The Great Tower of Cereal and Capri Suns
Albertsons was having a 10 for $10 sale today and I went and bought cereal and Capri Suns. I had so much fun creating my great tower of books the other day that I decided to make a tower of cereal and drinks to match. I think I'm set for breakfast for a long time.
Decisions
Even when you're trying to make the right decision, it is always hard to know which one to choose. Good luck to all of those out there trying to make difficult choices.
Mr.Smith Goes to Washington
"Great principles don't get lost after coming to light. They're right here. You just have to see them again"
(Jimmy Stewart,
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)
Tonight I watched one of my favorite movies,
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington with my wonderful girlfriend. I usually try to watch this Jimmy Stewart classic at least once a semester. As a cynical history student,
Mr. Smith serves as a reminder of the potential goodness inherent in all human beings. It serves, for me as a wonderful counterbalance to all of the theory and history I read bemoaning the evils of mankind. It also shows that the United States of America was built on real and good principles. Senator Jefferson Smith believes that even though corruption and greed exist, goodness can and will eventually win out.
No one will ever be able to forget Stewart's memorable filibuster scene at the end of the movie. He literally talks himself into a state of exhaustion, and in doing so, he wins his battle with the evil political boss, Charles Taylor. He, along with Gregory Peck in
To Kill a Mockingbird, prove that heroism is found in its purest form outside action scenes and sword fights. Stewart was young in this movie, but he received a Academy Award Nomination for his performance. Two years later he became a real hero as he entered World War II as a fighter pilot. Stewart willingly gave four of his best acting years to defend his country. He was an admirable man that loved to play admirable characters. The American Film Institute recently named
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington as the 29th greatest film ever made in the United States and Jefferson Smith as the 11th greatest movie hero of all time. Check the movie out. You'll be glad you did.
More Good News
Forgiveness Has Power to Change Future
Jay Evenson
How would you feel toward a teenager who decided to toss a 20-pound frozen turkey from a speeding car headlong into the windshield of the car you were driving? How would you feel after enduring six hours of surgery using metal plates and other hardware to piece your face together, and after learning you still face years of therapy before returning to normal — and that you ought to feel lucky you didn't die or suffer permanent brain damage?
And how would you feel after learning that your assailant and his buddies had the turkey in the first place because they had stolen a credit card and gone on a senseless shopping spree, just for kicks?
Chances are, you didn't hear this story. It took place on Long Island last fall and didn't get much press out this way.
This is the kind of hideous crime that propels politicians to office on promises of getting tough on crime. It's the kind of thing that prompts legislators to climb all over each other in a struggle to be the first to introduce a bill that would add enhanced penalties for the use of frozen fowl in the commission of a crime.
The New York Times quoted the district attorney as saying this is the sort of crime for which victims feel no punishment is harsh enough. "Death doesn't even satisfy them," he said.
Which is what makes what really happened so unusual. The victim, Victoria Ruvolo, a 44-year-old former manager of a collections agency, was more interested in salvaging the life of her 19-year-old assailant, Ryan Cushing, than in exacting any sort of revenge. She pestered prosecutors for information about him, his life, how he was raised, etc. Then she insisted on offering him a plea deal. Cushing could serve six months in the county jail and be on probation for 5 years if he pleaded guilty to second-degree assault.
Had he been convicted of first-degree assault — the charge most fitting for the crime — he could have served 25 years in prison, finally thrown back into society as a middle-aged man with no skills or prospects.
But this is only half the story. The rest of it, what happened the day this all played out in court, is the truly remarkable part.
According to an account in the New York Post, Cushing carefully and tentatively made his way to where Ruvolo sat in the courtroom and tearfully whispered an apology. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you."
Ruvolo then stood, and the victim and her assailant embraced, weeping. She stroked his head and patted his back as he sobbed, and witnesses, including a Times reporter, heard her say, "It's OK. I just want you to make your life the best it can be." According to accounts, hardened prosecutors, and even reporters, were choking back tears.
(
Deseret Moring News, Aug. 21, 2005, p. AA3)
What do I Really Want?
"Where there is no vision, the people perish."
(Proverbs 29:18)
I think that all I really want from life is the the same thing that almost everyone wants, happiness. The problem occurs when I try to figure out how to achieve that happiness. The proverb above has influenced me greatly in thinking about the future. Whoever you are and whatever you want to do, you need a vision of the goal or destination toward which you are working. If your goal isn't worthwhile or your vision falters, you are like to perish in your attempts to find meaning in life.
The Great Tower of Library Books
I was cleaning my room today and I decided to stack all of the books that I have checked out from the Utah State University Library into a tall tower. It is probably at least four feet high. I figure that I have about 40 library books checked out right now. I am probably a librarian's worst nightmare. The sad thing is that I have looked through most of them. Oh well, such is the life of a graduate student. Best wishes to all the students out there.
Check it out
If you aren't familiar with the artwork of Julian Beever, you might enjoy it. Beever is a street painter that lives in the U.K. His 3-D pictures are shockingly realistic. If you'd like to see more click this link
http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm
Enjoy!
What's my Motivation
I have been thinking a lot about the reasons that we do the things we do. Especially about what motivates me in the things that I do. History teaches us that there are many motivations that influence past events--many of them selfish. For example some people are motivated by greed and accrue large fortunes by stepping on the toes of anyone who dares get in their way. Other men are motivated by power, and they manipulate and intimidate their way through life. Others are motivated by intellectualism, and spend their entire lives trying to discover new truth in order to manifest their intelligence to everyone around them. Other are motivated by lusts, and they spend all their time trying to find new and exciting pleasures because in doing so they feel like are really alive.
Unfortunately, I have let these motivations creep into my life at times. I think that everyone does, but I think that the only truly good motivation in life is love. Not the kind of sappy, white-bread love portrayed in the movies, but love that builds and betters humanity. Love is selfless not selfish. This type of love motivated people like Ghandi and Abraham Lincoln. They weren't perfect people, and they didn't always avoid the other types of motivations, but they did think about others more than themselves--thus truly embracing love as a motivating factor in their lives. So today I come before my readers to promise them that I will try to do everything I do because of real and true love. I need to incorporate love into my relationships, into my employment, and into my scholarship. I can't promise that I will always succeed in pushing power-seeking, greed, intellectualism, and lust out of my life, but I am willing to try. I hope my readers will look into their own lives as well and decide what exactly are their motivations. The amazing thing about us as humans is that if we really want to, we can change our motivations.
The War in Iraq
I have said before that I don't like talking too much about politics in this blog, but I have to complement President Bush for recently saying that American troops will still be in Iraq for at least two years. I applaud the president for doing the right thing even though it will not be popular. Unlike most politicians, the President at least realizes that there are no simple answers in Iraq. Regardless of your opinion about the reasons we went to war--I have my own doubts about the righteousness of our cause--if we leave Iraq right now, we will leave it in the grasp of anarchy just waiting for a new dictator to arise and take Saddam's place. The best thing that we can do for Iraq is stay there as long as possible. It will be expensive and bloody, but we've made our bed and now we have to sleep in it We owe it to the people of Iraq.
A Beautiful Day
Today was a beautiful quasi spring day, so to celebrate I wore my sandals in combination with a pair of jeans and a sweater. I received some wierd looks for combining the sandals with a sweater, but I was just so ebulliently charged with springlike joy that I couldn't keep my toes contained. Enjoy the good weather when you've got it!
A Notice of Appreciation
This blog's author issues a hearty welcome home to his girlfriend who recently returned from a scientific conference in Las Vegas. I love her very much and am very proud of her.
Thesis
I am almost done with chapter two of my thesis. Yay!
Basketball
I went to play basketball tonight, and to clear my mind. I hope it worked. Well, at least I've written about six pages of my thesis today. Good night in whatever part of the world you may find yourself.
From Today's Salt Lake Tribune
Eggs fall 50 feet and don't break at USUBy Arrin Newton Brunson
Special to The Tribune
LOGAN - Monday was a regular work day for Utah State University employee Bryan Bingham, whose job as a campus roofer and carpenter requires him to be resourceful and flexible.
But not since last year, when his top-floor access made Bingham the designee for tossing dozens of pingpong balls off a campus building, has his list of job duties been so bizarre.
With finesse, Bingham launched four packages carrying eggs from the top of the nearly 50-foot-tall Eccles Science Learning Center. All of the uncooked eggs were unwrapped and found completely intact.
Apparently, student competitors in Monday's egg drop contest were well versed in the lessons USU physicist J.R. Dennison attributes to the competition, relating to the physics of motion, gravity, force and velocity. The classic experiment is an excellent way to understand spring action, cushioning and shock absorption, Dennison said. Research on the principles has enhanced car bumpers, athletic shoes and prosthetic limbs.
Safety regulations have tamed rooftop tossing activities, which "back in the day" included hurling refrigerators and TVs, said Tim Peterson, a biology major and USU College of Science student body officer.
Today, "the guidelines are no boiling, no hollowing and no freezing the egg," Peterson said.
Trevor Nielson, a chemistry student from Hyrum, packed his egg in peanut butter, a simple and sloppy approach that was surprisingly effective.
Jan Marie Andersen, a physics and math major from Sacramento, Calif., used a series of egg cartons, figuring "egg cartons are engineered to protect eggs."
Honesty
"There is not one in a hundred of either sex who is not taken in when they marry . It is, of all transactions, the one in which people expect most from others, and are least honest themselves."
(Jane Austen )
Girlfriend
A smile from her makes my day brighter and more meaningful.
Love
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
(C.S. Lewis,
Answers to Questions on Christianity)
Space
Sometimes you need to love someone enough to let that person have the time and space to make the right decision for his or herself.
I Hate Chicago Traffic
Today I drove in Chicago for the first time. We went to the Shedd Aquarium--which I highly recommend by the way. I got a little bit frustrated with the traffic and in trying to find our way around. I hate driving in strange cities. But our rental car is a really cool ride: a Hyundai Santa Fe. They didn't have any compact cars, so they upgraded us to a SUV. Have a great day in all parts of the world. :)
Good Advice
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.
(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
Off to Find My Future
Well, I'm heading out to the University of Illinois this weekend for a few whirlwind days of meetings with Professors and students. I really have no idea what to expect when I get there. I have always been a Western boy--born and raised. I'm interested to see what it will be like to leave my beloved mountains for the rolling cornfields of the Midwest. Wish me luck.
If Only Everyone had Such a Good Excuse
Study Links Ambien Use to Unconscious Food ForaysBy STEPHANIE SAUL
Published: March 14, 2006
The sleeping pill Ambien seems to unlock a primitive desire to eat in some patients, according to emerging medical case studies that describe how the drug's users sometimes sleepwalk into their kitchens, claw through their refrigerators like animals and consume calories ranging into the thousands.
Illustration by The New York Times
The next morning, the night eaters remember nothing about their foraging. But they wake up to find telltale clues: mouthfuls of peanut butter, Tostitos in their beds, kitchen counters overflowing with flour, missing food, and even lighted ovens and stoves. Some are so embarrassed, they delay telling anyone, even as they gain weight.
It's amazing sometimes what you find in The New York Times. Check out the rest of this crazy article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/14/health/14sleep.html?incamp=article_popular_2
Inertia and History
"Inertia is the first law of history, as it is of physics."
(Morris R. Cohen)
Pet names
As a joke, my girlfriend and I like to try out affectionate pet names on one another. Today, when I was facitiously getting ready to refer to JM as "muffin," I started to think about the arbitrary nature of all pet names. Why not refer to someone as "bagel" or "cinnamon roll"? In fact why stop there? Here is a list of JM and my favorite new pet names for one another: "crepe," "crescent,""grapefruit," "waffle," and "breakfast burrito." Nothing means love like your favorite breakfast foods.
A Lesson I Need to Learn
"Developing greater contentment within certain of our existing constraints and opportunities is one of our challenges. Otherwise we may feel underused, underwhelmed, and underappreciated—while, ironically, within our givens are unused opportunities for service all about us."
(Neal A. Maxwell, April 2, 2000)
A Perfect Example
"Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual. We can show forth our love for others even when we are called upon to correct them. We need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others to see the basic causes for their failures and short-comings."
(Spencer W. Kimball,
Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball)
Why I Don't Read More
Recently my girlfriend introduced me to the Harry Potter books. I have wanted to read them for quite some time, but I never did because I knew that once I read one I would be hooked. Well, It's happened, and I just want to recommend the series to all of my readers. The key to the series is character development. Rowling's characters jump from the pages onto the canvas of the imagination. So although I really don't have time to read them, I'm happy my girlfriend introduced me to my new friend Harry Potter.
A Good Headline for a Change
From
The Deseret Morning News:
Cigarette sales fall to 55-year low in U.S.
Question & Response
I recently found the following question posted on another blog of someone I really care about. I think that she is absolutely right about the nature of relationships (present company included).
"Why does love make people selfish? Why does loving someone make you think that you are entitled to certain things from them (their company, their trust, their confidence in you, their loyalty, their love in return, etc)? And then you get angry at them if they don't give you those things. Even the most selfless of people, once fallen in love, will start to expect/demand such things from that person who is the object of his affection, even if she did not necessarily agree to give them. And, upon not getting them, he somehow feels cheated." (JM, March 2, 2006)
I just wanted to also post my response to her question here as well.
"I don't usually comment, but I just wanted to give my best answer. True love is selfless; it seeketh not its own. Yet for some reason or another romantic love is a two way street. I think we all crave that idealistic relationship where each person only thinks about the other's needs--because it is only then that we feel completely whole and fulfilled. Couples build this type of idealistic relationship on those attributes mentioned: time together, mutual trust, mutual confidence, absolute loyalty, and reciprical love. I think whatever selfishness we might display is really a longing or impatience for this better type of love, while at the same time not knowing how to achieve it. There is no excuse for selfishness, but I think that this yearning is the reason selfishness haunts relationships. I know I'm guilty of longing for the type of relationship that edifies. Just wanted to give my two cents as someone who loves very imperfectly, but who is desperately in love."
Some of the Greatest Times in My Life
Today I find myself in a true life crossroads. I just returned this weekend from the University of California Santa Barbara where I had a truly great time experiencing the sun and the beach, but even more I enjoyed the atmosphere and collegiality that existed in the History Department there. I am going to try and visit the University of Illinois in April. The money offer is better at Illinois, but I felt like I fit in very well at UCSB.
Besides this exciting life decision, I am trying to write my thesis. I have the opportunity to write a culminating project here at Utah State University to represent my two years of study. It is extremely difficult, but I think that it ultimately will be extremely rewarding.
At the same time, I have a wonderful girlfriend who makes me happy and with whom I am deeply smitten. I have great friends.
What a wonderful time to be alive.
Having a Blast in Santa Barbara
If you've never visited the airport in Santa Barbara, it is a sight to behold. The airport, like the town, looks like it hasn't yet emerged from America's sleepy past. You descend from the airplane and there aren't any terminals. Everything is outside, and the baggage claims area looks like a beach house. Happy weekend everyone!
Have a Good Weekend
I'm off to beautiful Santa Barbara tomorrow to check out their history program. I hope to enjoy the sunshine. Best wishes to all of my readers.
Waiting
I hate waiting to hear about my applications for PhD programs. I need to be able to make decisions about my future.
